The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize