The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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