today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
