i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
this hospital has no fireball
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
