Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
So much Jack, so little girl.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
