He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
