What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
