Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
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