I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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