speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
