I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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