Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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