I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I am naked and annoyed.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
