I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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