you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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