Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize