The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
