my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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