At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
