I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
