She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
