Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
