I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
