"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
you will always have a special place in my vag
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
