I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
