last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
