I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
