make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
