I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
