Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
