i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
