there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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