I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
