I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
