Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Randomize
