last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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