I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
