so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
My penis needs a shock collar
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
