11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Randomize
