my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
