Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
