My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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