Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
what day is it and did you see me today?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
