You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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