you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
