Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
