she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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