he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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