You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Damn victory sex feels great
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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