His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
