and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
