yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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