How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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