Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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