and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
