Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
