We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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