just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
