life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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