WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
