Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
