We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
