saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
