Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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