I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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