i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize