The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
