Just fell off a train. Bad.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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