you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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