You can't special order awesome
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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