I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
