Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
