the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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